Desperate Need.

As of lately very few things seem all that permanent in my life. I am so worried at times while at the same time I am excited. I am just trying to remember the excited part right now and ignore most of the worry. Oh and as for the picture with this, I thought hey everyone wants something or is after something. And like Dorothy we just need to ask, only we just need to ask God.

In a state of loneliness and fear, I am found. In a cocky tone I ask: Where have you been all this time? I was hurting and no one was their beside me, I was wanting comfort and no one ever gave me a moments peace. God looked at me, with love in his eyes. He smiled and said you didn't have me beside you because I was all around you, holding you. And my child, if you want to be consoled why didn't you simply ask? I thought about this in a selfish rage for a minute or two. Watched the sparrows fly by as they landed in the mornings dew. So small were they yet they did fine, he must love me if he can sustain this all. I looked up at him and cried as I buried my head within his breast. He held me close rocking me too and fro. "You are my joy, you are my reason for the earth. I knew your name then as I do now. Come and find your rest in me weary traveler."

"For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him." -Psalm 34:7

Wonder

I just love when God puts me just simply in wonder of him like he has today! He is sooo amazing!! So when I found this picture I knew it just perfectly defined the picture of absolutely pure, untarnished wonder!

I can't believe what grace what mercy finds me. What passion holds me still. I am bought for, not sold out. I am precious to my beloved. For they are jealous of me. Wanting an encounter from me.

Just not a one sided conversation set to melodic key. What humility bore my pain and made me new again. What joy encompasses me, to set me a flame. A burning fire, an eternal flame. What beauty surrounds me, in the bleak and barren times. Like a waterfall constantly flowing on, drowning me in him and his love. What a saviour that you would find me: imperfect, hurt, hypocritical, depressed, unlovely. What a saviour that though you found me in such decay that you took me and made me new. What a love that you sustain me now.

"And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven." -Matthew 18:3-4

Organized Chaos

So, tonight was so so bitter-sweet. It was a night that was necessary, I guess. Nothing can stay the same. Because without change, nothing new can ever happen. While we are loosing our youth pastor and his wife, we are keeping and maintaining two amazing friends who are so much more than what the word "friend" can justify in it's meaning. God will preserve not only that friendship but the spiritual bond, as a family in Christ, that we share. Nothing can change that, neither angels or demons. The Love of the Saviour will hold us together.

Chaotic, unpredictable; like the crashing ocean wave. It rages on and on without any set out pattern or rhythm. There is no visible line or set theory. It's purpose, visible, yet unseen. We can't determine when or how far it will go. But we can clearly see it's effects. A life touching another throughout history, a heart touching another in a time of need. This chaos called life. It is unpredictable, yet organized in some kind of order. We can't manage our life like some aristocrat. It can't be put under a bushel, like a flame. But it can be put out like one, in the blinking of an eye. The passing of a second. Something so strong, but it can be exterminated. This Organized chaos is what we have, and only one knows where it's path leads. He holds the keys to every door and every window. He shall not steer me wrong.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." -Jeremiah 29:11

The Beat of My Heart

So before I post this let me just say: this isn't directed to any person in particular it's simply just what I've noticed; and if you are offended by it I guess we know whose heart God is dealing with. Also, I love to dance but not in a way that could be mistaken for sexual intercourse.

I take one step, she takes another. We could leave it in this simple rhythm, but that would be too clean. Too well pressed and mannered. No, I need to be let loose. In a wild frenzy of fleshly moves. A seductive salsa dancer, dancing to a beat that should never have been played. A beat that was not meant to be taken in the way that it's being used. A melody that's been tarnished and scarred by this world. The clean white coat, stained by just the one drop of deep scarlet wine. Was it really worth this. To bring in a new song a new melody, from this old broken one. How can a destroyed melody teach a note how to form an orchestra? How can a broken heart guide a hurting one?

"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your Life." -Proverbs 4:23

A Writers Heart

My friend Caitlin wrote this. But like she said, it was inspired by God. And it's so so true. It really did inspire me! So, I had no part in it's writing but I TOTALLY know this emotion:

Lately, I’ve been trying to find the right words to pen down, a paragraph of something beautiful for the One I love. I had this burden to write, but no words were flowing down the page. Frustrated, I balled up so many pieces of paper and scratched through so many thoughts and ideas. I had my head in my hands, my notebook tossed across my bedroom floor in frustration, and my heart still burdened by this desire to create and write something. Out of nowhere, I heard God say to me:

“Listen, my child. You don’t have to do a thing. I simply enjoy you. I love looking over your shoulder as you doodle those crazy things in your notebook. I enjoy watching your pen travel down the page in excitement when I give you a new idea. I love gazing at the fire in your eyes and the determination on your face as you write. I especially love it when you lean back in your chair, sigh, and look up at Me because I know you are looking at Me for more ideas, like you are doing now. So have peace, My darling. This burden in your heart is not to write. It’s Me, and I just want to spend a little time with you. Toss the notebook aside, put the cap on the pen, and let me tug on your heart a little longer…”

Covered by the Blood

So, this won't be one of the happiest things I've ever written... Life is that way now and then. It has it's ups and it's downs. Time is partial to no one, not even God's people. The past few weeks have been hard, there's no other way to sum them up. But through it all I know God is there and he's bigger than my simple misfortunes and worries.

Part 1: School.
If you know me, you will also know that it's my senior year. So much is changing so fast... and I have no control over any of it. It's weird to me that in just a few short months that all that I know will be changed forever. Many people who I love dearly, I will never see again in this life. I'll be moving on to new places with new faces. At the same time I am more excited than I've ever been in my life. I don't even know how to explain how exhilarating it is to think about. But Satan has been using this to get at me. He knows my insecurities and tried to pray on them. He tried to bring me down so that I can't accomplish what God has for me. I have news for him: it hasn't and will not work. God is my rock on which I stand. No power rather of heaven, hell, or earth shall overcome him. So this part is no longer an issue. I claim this case as shut. On the folder it reads: "COVERED BY THE BLOOD".

Part 2: Family.
My family doesn't always get along, let's be honest, whose really does at all times? I do not belong to the Brady Bunch or the Cleaver's. We don't always see eye to eye. And we don't always like each other. But when it comes right down to it we are always there for each other. They are mine. My Dad has been sick since right before I started my high school career. He has back problems that aren't getting better, actually they are getting worse it seems. These constant bouts of pain can make him irritable. Other people who shall remain nameless in this blog use this as a reason to blame him for problems. The next thing isn't very major to the rest of the world I guess, but to me it is. We're putting my dog to sleep this weekend because he can no longer walk unassisted. While this wouldn't be enough to make me truly depressed by itself, it is definitely something that can add to growing problems. Not very manly to admit, but it's true. Besides in God's own word it says: Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.*1 Peter 5:7* So even though this hasn't been resolved yet, and while there are even more problems I didn't even bother to mention in here because I promise this isn't a pity party, I am going to say about this subject: "COVERED BY THE BLOOD".

Part 3: Church Family.
Tonight was the most difficult night of church I have ever had to endure to say the least. We found out that our Youth Pastor, his Wife, our Children's Pastor, and his wife all had to be let go because of lack of funding in the church. I could probably react to this in so many different ways. I mean this people ARE MY FAMILY. I've known them for years and they've changed me and helped me to grow in so many ways that I can't really even begin to tell you what all they've done for me. I could be bitter, sad, mad, annoyed, or depressed. All of these emotions wouldn't be weird for me to feel about our situation. But God is there through this situation. I know I have a duty to my youth ministry. God has given me, as well as the other youth in my youth ministry, a calling. A calling that I can't deny. And until I can use that calling to it's fullest extent I have a duty and a calling for Fuel Student Ministries. As long as the doors are open it's not too late. What's awesome? When God closes one door he opens another. Well, there are about 6 doors at my church that just got closed due to people either being let go or moving due to military orders. So I can only begin to imagine what he has for us. We have come way too far, grown far too much to let this go. The going isn't going to be easy for the next few months, possibly for the next year. But God has something not only for Fuel but for Pastor Allen and Ms. Shannon, Pastor Bryan and Lila. He put a calling on their lives that hasn't finished. He has something sooo much better for them, and while I hate to let them go I know that it's only because I'm selfish. And I am, when I love people I don't want to let them go. But this is God's way of saying it's time for yall to move on and while it's hard. It'll be ok. Just know that we love you guys. You are constantly in our hearts and minds and we can't wait to hear what God is going to do with yall. *hopefully he'll decide to keep you at FWC though :D* haha.
So like the rest all I have to say is: "COVERED IN THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB!!!".

"For I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans 8:38-39

Potter

I was listening to the song Finally I Surrender by Misty Edwards tonight. And this came into my mind. I want him to be the potter of me and my life as long as I have breath. It is my eternal prayer.

A lump of clay, a spot of mud. So unformed and incomplete, without any real shape or form. Then, the Potter comes. He comes and sets me upon his wheel; shapes, forms, and guides me. He smooths the rough edges and makes me new, takes me out of the mire I come from. When I give into the pressure, the prodding, I realize it's for my own good. To make me something new and worth while. Something, a vessel, that can be filled. Oh that I may be filled to overflowing. May I be filled 'til I cannot hold anything else.

-"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." - Proverbs 16:9